Solo Dating: Why I Decided to Do it
There are so many reasons why I decided to start solo dating, but first let’s talk about what solo dating means to me and how I heard about it. I was scrolling through TikTok (as one does these days), and I came across a girl, Michaela who was creating a jar full of solo dates. I loved the idea, so I decided to do the same.
I got out my little jar, it’s actually a canister that my mother gave me that says “Queen Bee” on the front, a few pieces of paper and some colorful markers and I started creating a list of solo dates, 52 dates to be exact (they’re listed below if you need a little inspiration yourself). At first I wasn’t sure what these dates should be, so I started looking for some inspiration on Pinterest. After coming up with my list of dates, I got to work writing those dates out with my colorful markers and cutting my paper into little strips to fold up and throw into the canister.
Next was deciding how I wanted this whole thing to work. I wrote out 52 dates because I wanted to go on one solo date a week, for a year (spoiler alert, this experiment is going to last longer than a year because I already know there are certain weeks I will have to skip). But I had to decide how spontaneous I wanted to be, some of my dates required a little bit more planning than the others. After a little bit of thought, I decided that I was going to choose a date every Sunday, and then I would have to go on that date sometime during the following week.
So now that we talked about the how, let’s talk about the why. Why did I decide to start dating myself?
I decided to start dating myself for the same reason most people decide to, because of a bad relationship. Or rather, a lifetime full of bad relationships, and I don’t just mean romantic ones. Now before we get into my story, it’s important to know that my childhood was by no means bad, however it was hard. It is also important to know that my parents did the best they could with what they had and what they knew.
Growing up, I lacked something called agency. Agency is, “the sense of control that you feel in your life, your capacity to influence your own thoughts and behavior, and have faith in your ability to handle a wide range of tasks and situations.” See, as a child and into my teenage/adult years, I never made choices for myself, choices were made for me. Where I went to school, who I spent time with, what I wore, they were mostly decisions that I did not make on my own.
Now don’t get me wrong, as a stubborn child, were there decisions that I made for myself? Absolutely. But it didn't feel like there were very many.
Here’s the thing, because I never felt like I was able to make decisions for myself, I never really got to know myself. I never got to know what I truly enjoyed and what I really didn’t. I never learned what making a decision for myself truly meant, and as I got older, I started to just allow people to make decisions for me. The truth is that I still do it to this day. When I try to make decisions, I feel like I need validation from someone else. I need someone else to tell me that my decision is okay. And this validation can come from anyone, a friend, a partner, a family member, a parent, etc. I just need someone to tell me that what I am doing is the right thing.
So, as I mentioned before, I was scrolling through TikTok and came across the account I linked above and I realized that I am at a point in my life where needing validation from anyone outside of myself is no longer okay for me. I am almost 30 years old and I am still asking for permission from other people to just live my life the way I want to.
Let’s just think about that for a second. I am almost 30 years old. At the time I am writing this, I am exactly 28 years and 279 days old and still allowing others to make my decisions. My hope for this experiment is that it will inspire me, that it will help me learn more about myself as a person. More about who I am now, what I like and what I don’t, who I want to spend my time with. I want to learn to love myself the way I deserve to be loved. Instead of listening to everyone else’s voices and opinions, I want to listen to my own first. Because the truth is that I am the only one who has to live with myself everyday, well me and my brindle angel baby, Jaws (more on him later).
Now, let’s have a quick chat about the name of the blog, Lacking Compassion. We will deep dive into the name of the blog in a later post, however I did want to give you a brief explanation about it. The harsh truth is that I am lacking compassion towards myself. I have a lot of anger and disappointment towards myself for situations that truly were not in my control. So, in addition to loving myself and learning more about my wants and needs, solo dating is also about finding that compassion and taking it back. It’s about forgiving myself for the things I couldn’t control and letting go of a past that I have held onto so tightly.
So this is it. I have 52 dates. 52 dates to spend with myself, 52 dates to learn, to love and to find compassion.
I hope that if you’re reading this, that you’re on a similar journey to my own and that you’ll stick around with me for the next 52(ish) weeks. As promised, my 52 dates are listed below. I hope that maybe this experiment, and this blog on my little piece of the internet will inspire you to do something similar for yourself.
My List of 52 Solo Dates:
Take yourself out to dinner
Get a facial
Go to a winery
Make yourself a 3 course meal
Go to a paint & sip
Write a love letter to yourself
Go for a picnic
Read a book somewhere outside
Get your nails done
Go to a museum
Go to a secondhand bookstore
Go to a movie
Take a pottery class
Take a cooking class
Bake something from scratch
Spend some time at the pool
Book an airbnb, take a staycation
Take a yoga class
Go to a jazz bar
Paint one wall in the apartment
Buy some flowers and put together your own bouquet
Go fruit picking
Go paddleboarding
Take a bath
Go buy yourself one nice thing
Spend some time sewing something new
Do a DIY project
Start a blog (already did this one on accident!)
Start a small garden
Go to a farmer’s market
Go find some water (river, lake, etc.)
Get a massage
Go for a hike with Jaws
Find a spot to watch the sunset
Learn a new hobby
Create a vision board
Take Jaws to Garden of the Gods
At home spa night
Paint & sip at home
Take a Pilates class
Read in a local coffee shop
Get dressed up and take some photos
Go look for one new piece of furniture for the apartment
Meditate
Find a spot to watch the sunrise
Go watch live music
Go to the gym
Do a puzzle
Set up a movie night at home
Go to an art gallery
Go to a movie at Red Rocks Amphitheater
Get yourself some new makeup
Disclaimer: any links in this blog post are NOT affiliate links, they are just links to places where I learned from and drew inspiration.
